How do I get my child to sleep?

So everyone wants to know how to get their kids to sleep and not only that, how to get them to sleep as early as possible in their lives.

You hear of your neighbors child “sleeps through the night” by 2 months. Like…seriously?! I get it, it’s frustrating. I’ve got a few tips for that - ones that I feel aren’t highlighted enough. It’s not cry it out and it’s not responding at every wimper -it’s a mix of observation/listening, allowing your baby to work it out, and parental comfort and support to allow your baby to feel safe wherever they are sleeping.

To let your baby cry or not?

Gosh this is the hot topic these days. Here is the real deal. Your baby, from the minute they are born, they cry to let you know that they have a need. So you must know that. They are going to cry. From early on, it’s vital that you get COMFORTABLE with their cries. And I get it - this is hard especially for a first time mom. Feeling that gut kick when your baby cries is indescribable and it’s like your whole body is thrusted towards the baby’s body and for good reason - this is evolutionarily wired in us. 1,000 years ago, when our baby’s cried, it likely meant that they needed something in relation to their survival. Was a jaguar about to snatch them? Were they developing frostbite? Were they starving? In humans, survival of offspring is key to the future of our species, right? Physiologically saying, there was a real reason for that “gut punch” for moms to get moving when their baby cried. Yet here we are - in the 21st century - with many of those fears unrealistic...

So how do we adapt?

The first thing I suggest to all parents: stop and listen to your baby’s cries. Science tells us that from the day they are born, babies cry in different tones, lengths and sequences to tell us specifically what those needs are. There are cries for hunger, for discomfort, overstimulation, being wet, cold, the list goes on and on. What ends up happening is that babies cry and immediately mom or dad picks them up and puts them on their breast or gives them a bottle. Sucking/food is often the “fixer”. Then baby associates the cry with what you end up doing - thus reinforcing a routine of soothing in their mind. Wow.

Baby’s are smart.

Early on, baby’s catch onto this. When I cry, mom and dad do _______. At two, three, four months of age, they come to expect (with regularity) what you have done in response to their cries. So what do we do when we know we must be attentive to create trust and security?

When baby cries, we first listen and observe, see how their cries escalate or stop. Are they calling for you or are they in between sleep cycles? Do they have a real need? Stop and wait. Give it a minute or two. We want to give them a shot to do this themselves. If it has been a couple minutes and they are crying uncontrollably, quietly and calmly enter their sleep space. I like to tell parents to take 3 deep breaths BEFORE they walk into a sleep space or even put on music in their ears to calm their nervous system. Put your hand on baby gently, tell them you are there and you love them, they are safe. Give them a firm “shhh”, pat their belly, bum or back, you can even rock their body back and forth. Then stop. Wait. You can stand there and be close. Lean over close so they know you are there. You can leave your hands on shoulders in a tight squeeze. Don’t leave the room. See what they do. Decrease the sound of your “shush” and the intensity of your patting as they calm. They may wiggle around, they may grunt or whine - but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they need to be picked up. Surprise, they may just drift back to sleep with your presence! THIS is the start of teaching them how and when they are safe.

Once baby is calm and seems to be comfortable, you can leave the room. Let’s just say that two minutes later they are crying again. Deep breath. Give them 2 minutes to work it out. Use the restroom, take a bite of your sandwich or get a drink of water. Go back in after 2 minutes and do the same thing again. Teach them how to sleep on their own. If you come in and pick them up to rock them to sleep, trust me, they will come to expect it.

NOTE: it is NEVER a loss to pick up your baby. If they are uncontrollable or it is time to get them up, it’s totally okay to pick them up. What I want you to practice is allowing your baby to become calm and then putting them down. Be their calm and confident teacher. In their brains eventually they learn: “when I cry, my parent is here”, “when I am calm, my parent puts me down and I am safe”.

So let them cry? Yes. You need to know what these cries indicate and we need to keep their natural cries apparent. Cry it out? No. I don’t think that it is appropriate to let baby cry for hours on end. It’s just not my philosophy.

As your baby gets older, you can start increasing the time you take to respond (a good rule of thumb is minutes per the amount of months they are until 4-6 months - when we can increase the time to about 5-10 minutes). But the reminder is - sometimes when baby needs cuddles or to be picked up, that’s fine! Just as long as your baby is put back down when they are calm that you are teaching them where they are safe.

At the end of the day, this is the beginning of Sensible Sleep Training - or what I like to call “common sense” sleep training. It’s a combination of methods that traditional sleep consultants may offer you but some maybe not. I believe that this is the most flexible and effective way to teach young babies when you can stay consistent.

It respects baby and it respects you. The perfect balance.

Are you having a hard time implementing a daily routine, sleep schedules and need some support around all of this? I get it. I was the same way. Reach out for a free discovery call so we can find the best way to support your family.